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Off the train of wallowing.

Here we are. 2 months have passed since my miscarriage. It has been a rollercoaster ride. One that I've desperately wanted to get off since being forced to ride. I've had happy days and some very sad days. It is odd. The days I am happy, I also have a guilt that surrounds that happiness. My psyche somehow works very hard to convince the rest of me that I shouldn't feel this way--that it is wrong. Additionally, our children didn't know we were due to have a baby, so it is for them that my smile is pasted on my face each morning and we push through our crazy, normal, busy lives. Although time doesn't make me forget the heartache and sadness, it does help me to realize that I must pick myself up and begin to find me again.

I was doing so well with running prior to this pregnancy. I stopped when I began to miscarry. It was a long, brutal month. I tried to get back into gear, but again, my emotional hell took over. The fact is that I am a much happier person when I have that outlet. It took my dear husband to make me see the light.

He asked a few days ago when I was going to start exercising again. Although I tease him about it, I know he didn't say it out of disgust or with a hidden agenda or underlying meaning. He said it simply because he knows it is time to move on, to rediscover me and my happiness. That is it.

So, today it began. I jumped back on the treadmill for 20 minutes of pain. It was an ugly sight, but I did it. I also started TurboFire, which seems to be rather fun. I had been doing Insanity, but decided Turbo Fire may be a bit lighter transition for me at this point. I need lighter. I need success. I need some fun. We'll see how it pans out ;)

Comments

Anonymous said…
There is no magic cure, keeping busy sure helps though! I still think about our babies and when the due date rolls around you will feel that sadness again! We are excited to think of the future, seeing you in Germany! Loving on your little beautiies, etc. I know you getting back to your normal self! You have always been someone I've looked up to. I'm so lucky to have 2 older sisters to give me tons of good advice! Hang in there, you will never forget but you will heal!


Love ya, j
November 3, 2012 at 11:23 PM
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