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I talk fairly openly about our challenges with parenting, life, fertility, etc. I have nothing to hide and I feel I censor what I write so that it will never embarrass me or my family.

When Chris and I first started to talk about having children, I admit I entered the whole process with an "ask and you shall receive" mentality. You want a baby? Okay. It will be done. Just like that. Honestly, it worked just like that--twice! I'd listen to other women's stories about struggles with infertility, etc. and couldn't even relate or wrap my head around the emotional toll it takes. Until I faced this demon for myself.

The emotional piece is wearing. I get caught up in wanting a baby so badly that it consumes many thoughts each day. I hear Mya and Claire talking about their desires to have a "moving baby." We talk about names, we talk about gender. It becomes a popular, gut wrenching topic and not by force. Our day to day life involves seeing babies, playing with babies, having friends with babies. It is hard NOT to talk about babies. Consequently, the pressure builds and builds. I find myself less able, less capable of savoring moments, enjoying my fabulous life simply because I am wanting more. I am always wanting more.

It is a vicious, vicious cycle. Greed. Selfishness. I simply want the ability to look down the road and see how it all turns out. Do we have more biological children? Do we adopt? Do we find that satisfaction and fulfillment with our two beautiful girls? How does it play out?

It is the control that I desire. The control to write my own story. The control to determine the timeline. To make things happen. The control that I want so desperately, but the control that is not mine to own.I understand that. I know that.

It is with that understanding that I am working each and everyday to let go. Release the need for control and make every effort to be present. I have so much work to do, but I know that the control is not mine and our story will unfold as HE intended.

Ahhhhh. Breathe in, breathe out. A new day begins.
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