4/14/2013
After 15 or so pregnancy tests over the course of the pastthree months year and after waiting about a week of relying only on my gut feeling bloated tummy and intense exhaustion, I am over the moon thrilled to say that we are pregnant. This has been such a long, heart wrenching road for us that I cannot tell you how overjoyed we are. Chris is probably more thrilled that he doesn't have to have his manly juices investigated and I am thrilled that all happened naturally. I say naturally, but I really do think the HSG is the reason. Praise God!
Months of stress, months of worrying, months of fear and sadness have quickly been washed away at the sight of one little word. "Pregnant." I really cannot believe it. It is surreal at this point. While we were on our cruise, I was pretty certain I was pregnant, but of course, no tests were packed. I had actually taken one a day or so before our departure, which was obviously too early. The same day that Chris and I had officially decided we were going to begin the adoption process. I had actually already emailed a consultant to get the process underway. The timing of this all, his timing of this all is crazy.
Suddenly all the stress has been replaced by contentment. Yes, contentment. Great word to describe how I feel. I need to get to the doctor to take the "official" test and while I know I really should do that today, I feel no hurry. The only thing pushing me is the past sadness reminding me that the pregnancy should be recorded in my medical record in the horrific event that something goes wrong. It is sad that even though I am totally thrilled and want nothing more than to bathe in my happiness and joy, I can't totally let the past escape from my mind.
4/16/2013
I bit the bullet and went to the doctor peed in the cup and returned to work. Not 30 minutes later, a cold hearted doctor called with the results. I say "cold hearted" because he truly was. THe conversation went something like this:
Doc: Is this Kara?
Me: Yes
Doc: You just came in for some lab work? Uh...the results are negative. You are not pregnant.
Me: Really?...Really?
Doc. Yes. When was your last cycle? Well...you can test again in a week or so if you want.
Me: Um..okay. Thanks.
WTF. I cried a few tears then braved up and called for the infertility consult to the German specialist.
That is when my world was rocked. Again.
The nurse called and immediately said, "congratulations! I see you are pregnant!" I cried, said thank you a few dozen times.
4/23/2013
Flash forward a week or so. Things are going well. I have been feeling nauseous, but otherwise, great. I am eating well, drinking lots of water, exercising here and there and going to bed early. Life has been good. Until this morning. I woke up and immediately began spotting. Oh joy. Miscarriage flashed before me everywhere I looked. I shared the horror with my Mom, then with Chris who was at the gym. Tears have been shed, my Mom left to return to the States, which made it all even more difficult. Chris and I dropped off the girls at school and made our way back to the ER. It was all too familiar--urinalysis, blood work, exam, internal/external ultrasound and waiting, waiting and more waiting. Chris and I were not feeling optimistic, but reassured by the ER doctor that news may not be bad. Just wait and see what happens. He wasn't sure we'd be able to find out much at this time. It was all too early. Even heartbeats are difficult to find at 6 weeks. Well, the end consultation wasn't as positive, but that could be due to the new sense of hope we displayed on our faces after he told us that our baby was alive, the size it should be at this time and had a heartbeat (95 BPM)! We were through the moon happy. The heartbeat is on the slower side of normal and the HCG level (731) was on the low side as well. The baby is developing normally for this time. They estimated I am at 5 w. 3 days. He also mentioned they found a subchorionic hemmorage, which is a or a blood clot that forms between the uterine wall and the chorion that surrounds the baby.
"These hematomas, or clots, form in as many as 20 percent of pregnancies and can cause a host of problems — or none at all. In the first trimester, the hematoma can separate the placenta from the uterine wall, causing a miscarriage, or it can heal naturally on its own. If the hematoma doesn’t heal by the third trimester, it can cause placental abruption or preterm labor. If you are diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage, your doctor will likely monitor it with ultrasounds."
Neither things paint a very optimisitic picture, but the hope is alive. Now we wait. Wait for the bleeding to stop or for me to miscarry. I think because of the uncertainty, this time is much more difficult to handle. We will hope and pray for this little fighter that no matter what happens, God's hands are wrapped around us all. I'm going to put my feet up and take it easy.
4/25/2013
Chris won the battle. It took a wake up call, but he won. We tend to pride ourselves on being faithful people. We hope, we pray, we believe God has a plan, BUT we don't sit around and let our faith or miracles pave the way. We do our part and God answers our call. Make sense? Probably not, but it is hard to clarify. Let me try this...so many people say they want to get out of a financial rut. Their answer is simply to say that they've turned over their life to God and he will make it happen. That may be true, but it takes discipline. God can lead you or present opportunities, but if you don't act, you will not receive. Back to us...Chris gave me a good wake up call, telling me that my "whatever will be will be attitude" isn't doing my part in making "good" happen. So true. Consequently, I have been in bed for 1.5 days with at least 1 more to go. Things are unchanging. I am pretty convinced I am miscarrying, but cannot stop hoping and praying for nothing short of a miracle. My poor husband has been wonderful. He grocery shopped, dropped off and picked up the kiddos, registered Mya for pre-kindergarten (What??!! How can that be, already!!), made dinner, bathed the kiddos, laundry, watered my flowers and put the kiddos to bed. Everything I normally do and what he normally does put together. He's been amazing. I am sure he is exhausted, but I am so blessed. Just hoping something good comes from all this pain and sacrifice.
4/29/2013
This wait is killing me. My bleeding stopped at 4 days, which leaves me feeling, dare I say, even more hopeful. I've been praying every calm moment. I am hoping for a miracle. Everything I read sounds rather promising, but again, I don't want to get my hopes up. I know we have a 50/50 shot here. I even called the OB hoping they'd have a cancelation today or tomorrow. No such luck. They probably think I am crazy. I nearly am. This situation alone could make one crazy!
In other news, Chris and I completed our application for the adoption consultant. We've almost completed the questionnaire and gathered all the necessary pictures. We are committing to expanding our family--somehow. We decided to finally stop resisting what may be God's guidance and put ourselves out there. We are attending an adoption symposium on May 11, I've already contacted the homestudy person, but will set a date after our Wednesday appointment and we have time to digest all this. Time will tell on where this road leads.
5/01/2013
It's official. I am no longer pregnant. I've now had 4 pregnancies, only 2 of which were viable. 50/50 odds. Kind of sucks. I was on a perfect streak and suddenly, things look alot less rosy. I had an ultrasound, which confirmed the baby miscarried, but everything else was back to normal. I do not have to go in for HCG level checks this time around, which I am very thankful for. I am going to go in for one more test, which will check my phospholipid levels.
Chris and I had been preparing ourselves for the worst all week. When I looked at the ultrasound screen, I wasn't surprised. I was simply numb. I couldn't believe I was reliving this nightmare yet again.
That being said, we've decided to slow things down for a bit. We need some time to collect our thoughts, enjoy our life and rediscover our focus. Our consultant agency will put together our family profile, so it is ready to roll whenever we are. We are going to do nothing until July or even August, at which time, we will make a move. Hopefully at that point, we'll get our homestudy rolling and be "family ready" by Christmas.
After 15 or so pregnancy tests over the course of the past
Months of stress, months of worrying, months of fear and sadness have quickly been washed away at the sight of one little word. "Pregnant." I really cannot believe it. It is surreal at this point. While we were on our cruise, I was pretty certain I was pregnant, but of course, no tests were packed. I had actually taken one a day or so before our departure, which was obviously too early. The same day that Chris and I had officially decided we were going to begin the adoption process. I had actually already emailed a consultant to get the process underway. The timing of this all, his timing of this all is crazy.
Suddenly all the stress has been replaced by contentment. Yes, contentment. Great word to describe how I feel. I need to get to the doctor to take the "official" test and while I know I really should do that today, I feel no hurry. The only thing pushing me is the past sadness reminding me that the pregnancy should be recorded in my medical record in the horrific event that something goes wrong. It is sad that even though I am totally thrilled and want nothing more than to bathe in my happiness and joy, I can't totally let the past escape from my mind.
4/16/2013
I bit the bullet and went to the doctor peed in the cup and returned to work. Not 30 minutes later, a cold hearted doctor called with the results. I say "cold hearted" because he truly was. THe conversation went something like this:
Doc: Is this Kara?
Me: Yes
Doc: You just came in for some lab work? Uh...the results are negative. You are not pregnant.
Me: Really?...Really?
Doc. Yes. When was your last cycle? Well...you can test again in a week or so if you want.
Me: Um..okay. Thanks.
WTF. I cried a few tears then braved up and called for the infertility consult to the German specialist.
That is when my world was rocked. Again.
The nurse called and immediately said, "congratulations! I see you are pregnant!" I cried, said thank you a few dozen times.
4/23/2013
Flash forward a week or so. Things are going well. I have been feeling nauseous, but otherwise, great. I am eating well, drinking lots of water, exercising here and there and going to bed early. Life has been good. Until this morning. I woke up and immediately began spotting. Oh joy. Miscarriage flashed before me everywhere I looked. I shared the horror with my Mom, then with Chris who was at the gym. Tears have been shed, my Mom left to return to the States, which made it all even more difficult. Chris and I dropped off the girls at school and made our way back to the ER. It was all too familiar--urinalysis, blood work, exam, internal/external ultrasound and waiting, waiting and more waiting. Chris and I were not feeling optimistic, but reassured by the ER doctor that news may not be bad. Just wait and see what happens. He wasn't sure we'd be able to find out much at this time. It was all too early. Even heartbeats are difficult to find at 6 weeks. Well, the end consultation wasn't as positive, but that could be due to the new sense of hope we displayed on our faces after he told us that our baby was alive, the size it should be at this time and had a heartbeat (95 BPM)! We were through the moon happy. The heartbeat is on the slower side of normal and the HCG level (731) was on the low side as well. The baby is developing normally for this time. They estimated I am at 5 w. 3 days. He also mentioned they found a subchorionic hemmorage, which is a or a blood clot that forms between the uterine wall and the chorion that surrounds the baby.
"These hematomas, or clots, form in as many as 20 percent of pregnancies and can cause a host of problems — or none at all. In the first trimester, the hematoma can separate the placenta from the uterine wall, causing a miscarriage, or it can heal naturally on its own. If the hematoma doesn’t heal by the third trimester, it can cause placental abruption or preterm labor. If you are diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage, your doctor will likely monitor it with ultrasounds."
Neither things paint a very optimisitic picture, but the hope is alive. Now we wait. Wait for the bleeding to stop or for me to miscarry. I think because of the uncertainty, this time is much more difficult to handle. We will hope and pray for this little fighter that no matter what happens, God's hands are wrapped around us all. I'm going to put my feet up and take it easy.
4/25/2013
Chris won the battle. It took a wake up call, but he won. We tend to pride ourselves on being faithful people. We hope, we pray, we believe God has a plan, BUT we don't sit around and let our faith or miracles pave the way. We do our part and God answers our call. Make sense? Probably not, but it is hard to clarify. Let me try this...so many people say they want to get out of a financial rut. Their answer is simply to say that they've turned over their life to God and he will make it happen. That may be true, but it takes discipline. God can lead you or present opportunities, but if you don't act, you will not receive. Back to us...Chris gave me a good wake up call, telling me that my "whatever will be will be attitude" isn't doing my part in making "good" happen. So true. Consequently, I have been in bed for 1.5 days with at least 1 more to go. Things are unchanging. I am pretty convinced I am miscarrying, but cannot stop hoping and praying for nothing short of a miracle. My poor husband has been wonderful. He grocery shopped, dropped off and picked up the kiddos, registered Mya for pre-kindergarten (What??!! How can that be, already!!), made dinner, bathed the kiddos, laundry, watered my flowers and put the kiddos to bed. Everything I normally do and what he normally does put together. He's been amazing. I am sure he is exhausted, but I am so blessed. Just hoping something good comes from all this pain and sacrifice.
4/29/2013
This wait is killing me. My bleeding stopped at 4 days, which leaves me feeling, dare I say, even more hopeful. I've been praying every calm moment. I am hoping for a miracle. Everything I read sounds rather promising, but again, I don't want to get my hopes up. I know we have a 50/50 shot here. I even called the OB hoping they'd have a cancelation today or tomorrow. No such luck. They probably think I am crazy. I nearly am. This situation alone could make one crazy!
In other news, Chris and I completed our application for the adoption consultant. We've almost completed the questionnaire and gathered all the necessary pictures. We are committing to expanding our family--somehow. We decided to finally stop resisting what may be God's guidance and put ourselves out there. We are attending an adoption symposium on May 11, I've already contacted the homestudy person, but will set a date after our Wednesday appointment and we have time to digest all this. Time will tell on where this road leads.
5/01/2013
It's official. I am no longer pregnant. I've now had 4 pregnancies, only 2 of which were viable. 50/50 odds. Kind of sucks. I was on a perfect streak and suddenly, things look alot less rosy. I had an ultrasound, which confirmed the baby miscarried, but everything else was back to normal. I do not have to go in for HCG level checks this time around, which I am very thankful for. I am going to go in for one more test, which will check my phospholipid levels.
Chris and I had been preparing ourselves for the worst all week. When I looked at the ultrasound screen, I wasn't surprised. I was simply numb. I couldn't believe I was reliving this nightmare yet again.
That being said, we've decided to slow things down for a bit. We need some time to collect our thoughts, enjoy our life and rediscover our focus. Our consultant agency will put together our family profile, so it is ready to roll whenever we are. We are going to do nothing until July or even August, at which time, we will make a move. Hopefully at that point, we'll get our homestudy rolling and be "family ready" by Christmas.
Comments
I know it doesn't feel like it but God is with you. I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. They are devastating and horrific to go through! All your hopes and dreams come crashing down before your eyes. It sucks! We are here for you, WE LOVE YOU! Just look at my little miracle. Jackson, was my answer from God after two horrific miscarriages! He has made me appreciate being a mommy more than I can ever say! You will find that joy and happiness again. The light will shine through the darkness. But meanwhile, love on your kids and focus on you and Chris. The answers you need will be waiting. You are strong, smart, beautiful, and a wonderful mama and wife, YOU can get through anything!
Love ya, J
I know you are the kind of gal that doesnt want all sympathy and Im sorry's. So I simply say this, my heart is with you. I have read your posts and feel as if I am reading my own story, I can tell you that God gave me my miracle, Gracie. I am praying for peace, for a calming feeling that all is in due time. While I know that its so hard when you feel as if you are consumed by desire, every flutter, every late cycle, every moment you feel sick to your stomach you just think...am I, is this it only to be left with heartache. I second everything your sister says in her post. I know that every situation is different, but we are examples of how things work out. We love you guys and think of you often. You are in my prayers! KM
love you,
mom