I had such a great attitude-Yesterday. Today it is crap again. I just want to be done. I want my body back. I want to wear my "skinny" clothes and by skinny clothes, I mean before children skinny clothes. Yes, I've saved them all, although pieces will need replacing because I'll need a huge reward when I get to the point of wearing them again :) I want to jump into our new life as 5. I want to jump forward knowing that all is well, that all of these loose ends that are here now, will be gone soon and I want assurance that our girls will adjust with all the changes that are about to occur with open arms, happy faces and loving hearts. I want, I want, I want....
I had such a great attitude--yesterday. Somehow it was lost around bedtime last night. I shared this change with Chris. His response, "reset." If only it were that easy. It should be that easy. But obviously I am a complex person in a chaotic life. Nothing is easy. No decision is taken lightly. My Mom thinks I am fairly avant garde, which I interpret as easy going, fly by the seat of my pants type person, but in truth, the majority of my existance is far from easy going. I second guess myself constantly, worry to no end about my children, think about my children nearly every minute of the day, fear making the wrong choice, so attempt to not make choices, worry constantly about finances and fear of not planning enough, think often about how to become better at organizing & planning. I guess one's perception of me being avant garde is simply my coping mechanism--letting go of the things that are less important.
Chris applied for retirement. We still wait, uncertain if the pendulum will swing in our favor. He was also officially tasked for deployment in October. Talk about the best & worst of a situation. Although deployments are something that we have come to know, we've been very, very fortunate to have avoided them since Mya was born. That is not to say that Chris hasn't spent many hours, days, weeks away from our family for the "mission at hand", but we've been fortunate to have avoided dangerous locations. Additionally, Chris' job is such that even in dangerous locations, he will be fairly secure. He is always far from the frontline; however, I cried upon hearing the news. We knew it was a highly likely possibility, but there is something very different about a possibility and a certainty. In truth, it is still a possibility. His retirement could be approved and he would not deploy. His office is requesting the tasking be rescinded, which if approved, would mean he would not deploy even if he continues to serve. All in all, possibilities, but continued stress/anxiety adding to the mountain that already exists.
So, as I stare at my to-do list and focus on the many life decisions that need to be made in a matter of days, weeks and months, this little snippet of news adds another layer to the puzzle. I was just talking with friends and reminicing on my pregnancy with Mya while caring for Claire while Chris was deployed, living without electricity for 2 days, putting our precious dog to sleep, shoveling snow off our roof while 7 months pregnant, or one year later, our departure from Boston, arranging movers, living in a hotel for 10 days, caring for 2 small children under the age of 2 and embarking on our first transcontinental adventure together with 8 suitcases, 2 carseats, a pack & play and stroller, flying well over 20 hours, alone. Just the 3 of us. Looking back I am not sure how I did it. It is pretty amazing really. The fact is that I am a strong person. When push comes to shove, I can and have done it all. I am my Mom's daughter. I can be superhuman and handle all that comes my way. I've got a great job, amazing supports at work, loving friends who will bend over backwards to help us, and my incredible parents/family who will help when I simply say the word. We are fortunate. Whether I must live life as a single parent for 6 months or not, I do not know, but I do know that we will be just fine. I simply need a "reset" and focus on one thing at a time, pushing aside my worries, fears and embracing the plan that God has placed in front of us as I know all to well that one day changes everything.
I had such a great attitude--yesterday. Somehow it was lost around bedtime last night. I shared this change with Chris. His response, "reset." If only it were that easy. It should be that easy. But obviously I am a complex person in a chaotic life. Nothing is easy. No decision is taken lightly. My Mom thinks I am fairly avant garde, which I interpret as easy going, fly by the seat of my pants type person, but in truth, the majority of my existance is far from easy going. I second guess myself constantly, worry to no end about my children, think about my children nearly every minute of the day, fear making the wrong choice, so attempt to not make choices, worry constantly about finances and fear of not planning enough, think often about how to become better at organizing & planning. I guess one's perception of me being avant garde is simply my coping mechanism--letting go of the things that are less important.
Chris applied for retirement. We still wait, uncertain if the pendulum will swing in our favor. He was also officially tasked for deployment in October. Talk about the best & worst of a situation. Although deployments are something that we have come to know, we've been very, very fortunate to have avoided them since Mya was born. That is not to say that Chris hasn't spent many hours, days, weeks away from our family for the "mission at hand", but we've been fortunate to have avoided dangerous locations. Additionally, Chris' job is such that even in dangerous locations, he will be fairly secure. He is always far from the frontline; however, I cried upon hearing the news. We knew it was a highly likely possibility, but there is something very different about a possibility and a certainty. In truth, it is still a possibility. His retirement could be approved and he would not deploy. His office is requesting the tasking be rescinded, which if approved, would mean he would not deploy even if he continues to serve. All in all, possibilities, but continued stress/anxiety adding to the mountain that already exists.
So, as I stare at my to-do list and focus on the many life decisions that need to be made in a matter of days, weeks and months, this little snippet of news adds another layer to the puzzle. I was just talking with friends and reminicing on my pregnancy with Mya while caring for Claire while Chris was deployed, living without electricity for 2 days, putting our precious dog to sleep, shoveling snow off our roof while 7 months pregnant, or one year later, our departure from Boston, arranging movers, living in a hotel for 10 days, caring for 2 small children under the age of 2 and embarking on our first transcontinental adventure together with 8 suitcases, 2 carseats, a pack & play and stroller, flying well over 20 hours, alone. Just the 3 of us. Looking back I am not sure how I did it. It is pretty amazing really. The fact is that I am a strong person. When push comes to shove, I can and have done it all. I am my Mom's daughter. I can be superhuman and handle all that comes my way. I've got a great job, amazing supports at work, loving friends who will bend over backwards to help us, and my incredible parents/family who will help when I simply say the word. We are fortunate. Whether I must live life as a single parent for 6 months or not, I do not know, but I do know that we will be just fine. I simply need a "reset" and focus on one thing at a time, pushing aside my worries, fears and embracing the plan that God has placed in front of us as I know all to well that one day changes everything.