Chris is a planner. He has written down his goals each year since we met. I thought it was crazy. I'd never been that big into planning. That's not to say I am a spontaneous person, but I just never really had to plan. I just "DO." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it is how I am. I get an idea and I go for it. I don't write it down, I don't advertise to the world, I just DO whatever it takes to make it happen. Since we've arrived in Germany, things have been so up in the air. We weren't sure of a house, village, school, job for me, preschool, etc. EVERYTHING was unknown to a certain extent. We had to develop a plan and a plan b and a plan c. We had done our research, said our prayers and hoped the story would unfold as intended. And it has. Until Wednesday.
I am not sure I can do this, but here it goes. I document nearly everything for the purposes of future readings--for me, for Chris and for our children. Yep. Tears are already flowing. This is going to be a hard one. We found the perfect house in the perfect village. We found an amazing preschool for Mya, I got a job that seems wonderful, and Claire was approved to attend the school in which I work. Pretty much storybook. One additional, HUGE highlight that not too many know is that we are pregnant. Baby #3 is on the way. I had the blood test confirmation last Friday, received the referral to OB on Monday.Talk about an amazingly blessed life. Everything is going according to plan.
Flash forward to Wednesday. Things weren't going so well. I began to fear I was miscarrying. Remembering my dear sister's experience, I recalled the things she was told--lay down, rest, take it easy and let it be. There wasn't anything she could do and if it were going to happen, it would happen. Blah, blah, blah. I did that in addition to crying my eyes out. My previous pregnancies were so easy! Why??!!!
Things didn't get better on Thursday. My first day of work, I might add. I decided to call the doctor if only to have it added to my file that I miscarried. Instead, they directed me to go to the ER. 9:15 Chris and I headed to the ER where I was tortured repeatedly. Retelling the same information over and over again, as if it weren't written down and sitting on the flippin' screen. Anyway, after every test known to man, the results are inconclusive at this point. They think I have/am having a miscarriage, but my HCG levels have only dropped 3 points since Friday. That isn't significant. The ultrasound didn't show a baby, but in the words of the OB nurse, "it is like looking for a needle in a haystack at this point." I am only 5 weeks. Everything else looked fine. I am A+ which means it wasn't RH- that may have caused or will cause a miscarriage, it wasn't a tubal pregnancy, blah, blah, blah. Unknown factors. I have to return for blood draw next Thursday and we'll go from there. We finally left the ER at 2:15. Talk about an emotionally draining and excessively long day. After a sleepless night, many tears and spending 5 hours in the ER, I have wrapped my head around the miscarriage. I never dreamed I'd be living this nightmare. I pretty much thought I was fertile Myrtle. ;) I will add that even though I've come to terms with the possibility, I will be praying like hell that this isn't the result. I will pray for a viable pregnancy. The bigger concern for me right now is the additional information the ER doctor shared. Evidently the 2 ceserean sections took their toll on my body and have left a significant amount of scarring, which could cause a uteran rupture. He suggested I have a conversation with an OB to determine the impact of this scarring on our plans for future pregnancies. This is all fresh. The pain is fresh and I have my moments of dramatic tendencies, so forgive me. Basically, the message I took away was that I need to talk to an OB to determine if I should attempt to have another baby. If my uterus ruptures. I die. Plain and simple. Goodness. I never thought this would be our story and obviously, there is much left to tell. Chris and I have had a number of conversations about adoption. We planned to pursue adoption in the future. I just always thought we'd be pursuing adoption under different terms. I do know that we are truly blessed. I thank God everyday for the numerous blessings he has bestowed upon us. Claire and Mya are the most incredible children in this world. I love them more than I have ever loved anything. I just always assumed the choice to have more biological children or not have more biological children would be my own and not one of life or death because of some stupid uteral lining.
So there it is. All our drama. All our pain. Again, I don't write this for words of sympathy, comfort or anything of the sort. My family's support has been amazing. Chris' commander and supervisors have been amazing. We are supported. I write only to document.
I do know the skies will be blue again, the clouds will clear. I do know plans change and ours will as well. I also know that God only gives you what you can handle. We can handle this. We will be fine and our family will thrive. In the past couple of weeks, we've watched two different movies or tv shows (strange since we have no cable at this point, but I can't really remember where we heard it) where the characters say something to the effect that God laughs at your plans as HE has THE PLAN. I am confident he has a plan for us as well. Something great will come from this pain. Stay tuned.
Update 9/20/2012:
I had my blood drawn and called for the results. I spoke with an OB at the clinic who seemed very kind and knowledgable. She confirmed the miscarriage as my HCG level was only 171, which means 100 point drop from a week ago. There is still concern that it was a tubal pregnancy for whatever reason. She asked several questions that did not support the theory--I don't smoke, I've had no surgeries, etc. I was directed to return for another HCG reading in 7-10 days. In the meantime, she will pull my ultrasound scan and view them herself as well as run my case by the High Risk OB to see if an MRI is needed to further examine the uterine scarring. I feel better that my concerns were heard and research/collaboration is going to be done to help support our decisions.
Update 9/28/2012:
I had my blood drawn and called for the results. The nurse indicated my HCG level was 50, which means 121 point drop from one week ago. We are meeting with the OB later this week to gather more information on my ultrasound scans and hear the results/recommendations from her consultation with the high risk OB.
Update 10/3/2012: This is an email I sent my sisters/Mom after today's doctor appointment.
Just got back from my appointment with the OB. They drive me crazy. The LPN asks when my last menstrual cycle was and I say, "well, do you count when I started to miscarry or before I was pregnant?" I start tearing and she moves on. What a flippin dufus! I am sure it was a standard question in relation to most normal/routine visits, but just another lovely experience. Anyway, the doctor who was lovely then comes in and asks how I am doing at which point I am completely fine. She says I understand you are still a bit emotional about this awful experience. Would you like bereavement pamphlets or anything? UGH! Now I am more irritated. I said, "well actually, we've been okay with the whole miscarriage in itself. It is the insensitivity and misinformation by nurses that has brought about nearly every tear." Chris chimed in with a bit more to support my point and that was it. In a nutshell she basically said that I can have more kids. They would suggest an ultrasound at 6 weeks post miscarriage to look at my scar a bit better, but other than that, there isn't anything to worry about. She did suggest I highly consider a V-Bac for my next delivery, which I am fine with except that I do not want to deliver a 9 pound kid. It is likely that will be the weight of the next child given Claire was 8.3 and Mya who was delivered at 38 weeks was 8.10. I guess if that is basically my best route to having more children, I'll take it. I will also be moving my obstetric care to the local German hospital, so we'll see what they say. I am done with the "hobby shop" as Chris lovingly refers to the military treatment facility.
I am not sure I can do this, but here it goes. I document nearly everything for the purposes of future readings--for me, for Chris and for our children. Yep. Tears are already flowing. This is going to be a hard one. We found the perfect house in the perfect village. We found an amazing preschool for Mya, I got a job that seems wonderful, and Claire was approved to attend the school in which I work. Pretty much storybook. One additional, HUGE highlight that not too many know is that we are pregnant. Baby #3 is on the way. I had the blood test confirmation last Friday, received the referral to OB on Monday.Talk about an amazingly blessed life. Everything is going according to plan.
Flash forward to Wednesday. Things weren't going so well. I began to fear I was miscarrying. Remembering my dear sister's experience, I recalled the things she was told--lay down, rest, take it easy and let it be. There wasn't anything she could do and if it were going to happen, it would happen. Blah, blah, blah. I did that in addition to crying my eyes out. My previous pregnancies were so easy! Why??!!!
Things didn't get better on Thursday. My first day of work, I might add. I decided to call the doctor if only to have it added to my file that I miscarried. Instead, they directed me to go to the ER. 9:15 Chris and I headed to the ER where I was tortured repeatedly. Retelling the same information over and over again, as if it weren't written down and sitting on the flippin' screen. Anyway, after every test known to man, the results are inconclusive at this point. They think I have/am having a miscarriage, but my HCG levels have only dropped 3 points since Friday. That isn't significant. The ultrasound didn't show a baby, but in the words of the OB nurse, "it is like looking for a needle in a haystack at this point." I am only 5 weeks. Everything else looked fine. I am A+ which means it wasn't RH- that may have caused or will cause a miscarriage, it wasn't a tubal pregnancy, blah, blah, blah. Unknown factors. I have to return for blood draw next Thursday and we'll go from there. We finally left the ER at 2:15. Talk about an emotionally draining and excessively long day. After a sleepless night, many tears and spending 5 hours in the ER, I have wrapped my head around the miscarriage. I never dreamed I'd be living this nightmare. I pretty much thought I was fertile Myrtle. ;) I will add that even though I've come to terms with the possibility, I will be praying like hell that this isn't the result. I will pray for a viable pregnancy. The bigger concern for me right now is the additional information the ER doctor shared. Evidently the 2 ceserean sections took their toll on my body and have left a significant amount of scarring, which could cause a uteran rupture. He suggested I have a conversation with an OB to determine the impact of this scarring on our plans for future pregnancies. This is all fresh. The pain is fresh and I have my moments of dramatic tendencies, so forgive me. Basically, the message I took away was that I need to talk to an OB to determine if I should attempt to have another baby. If my uterus ruptures. I die. Plain and simple. Goodness. I never thought this would be our story and obviously, there is much left to tell. Chris and I have had a number of conversations about adoption. We planned to pursue adoption in the future. I just always thought we'd be pursuing adoption under different terms. I do know that we are truly blessed. I thank God everyday for the numerous blessings he has bestowed upon us. Claire and Mya are the most incredible children in this world. I love them more than I have ever loved anything. I just always assumed the choice to have more biological children or not have more biological children would be my own and not one of life or death because of some stupid uteral lining.
So there it is. All our drama. All our pain. Again, I don't write this for words of sympathy, comfort or anything of the sort. My family's support has been amazing. Chris' commander and supervisors have been amazing. We are supported. I write only to document.
I do know the skies will be blue again, the clouds will clear. I do know plans change and ours will as well. I also know that God only gives you what you can handle. We can handle this. We will be fine and our family will thrive. In the past couple of weeks, we've watched two different movies or tv shows (strange since we have no cable at this point, but I can't really remember where we heard it) where the characters say something to the effect that God laughs at your plans as HE has THE PLAN. I am confident he has a plan for us as well. Something great will come from this pain. Stay tuned.
Update 9/20/2012:
I had my blood drawn and called for the results. I spoke with an OB at the clinic who seemed very kind and knowledgable. She confirmed the miscarriage as my HCG level was only 171, which means 100 point drop from a week ago. There is still concern that it was a tubal pregnancy for whatever reason. She asked several questions that did not support the theory--I don't smoke, I've had no surgeries, etc. I was directed to return for another HCG reading in 7-10 days. In the meantime, she will pull my ultrasound scan and view them herself as well as run my case by the High Risk OB to see if an MRI is needed to further examine the uterine scarring. I feel better that my concerns were heard and research/collaboration is going to be done to help support our decisions.
Update 9/28/2012:
I had my blood drawn and called for the results. The nurse indicated my HCG level was 50, which means 121 point drop from one week ago. We are meeting with the OB later this week to gather more information on my ultrasound scans and hear the results/recommendations from her consultation with the high risk OB.
Update 10/3/2012: This is an email I sent my sisters/Mom after today's doctor appointment.
Just got back from my appointment with the OB. They drive me crazy. The LPN asks when my last menstrual cycle was and I say, "well, do you count when I started to miscarry or before I was pregnant?" I start tearing and she moves on. What a flippin dufus! I am sure it was a standard question in relation to most normal/routine visits, but just another lovely experience. Anyway, the doctor who was lovely then comes in and asks how I am doing at which point I am completely fine. She says I understand you are still a bit emotional about this awful experience. Would you like bereavement pamphlets or anything? UGH! Now I am more irritated. I said, "well actually, we've been okay with the whole miscarriage in itself. It is the insensitivity and misinformation by nurses that has brought about nearly every tear." Chris chimed in with a bit more to support my point and that was it. In a nutshell she basically said that I can have more kids. They would suggest an ultrasound at 6 weeks post miscarriage to look at my scar a bit better, but other than that, there isn't anything to worry about. She did suggest I highly consider a V-Bac for my next delivery, which I am fine with except that I do not want to deliver a 9 pound kid. It is likely that will be the weight of the next child given Claire was 8.3 and Mya who was delivered at 38 weeks was 8.10. I guess if that is basically my best route to having more children, I'll take it. I will also be moving my obstetric care to the local German hospital, so we'll see what they say. I am done with the "hobby shop" as Chris lovingly refers to the military treatment facility.
Comments
I'm so sorry you are going through this pain! We Are praying like crazy for you both! I love you guys with all my heart! Know that we are here for you! Good things come to those who wait. I'm living proof! Just look at my miracle baby and keep the faith!
Love ya, j
Love you,
Kelly
Hugs!
Erin